Women’s Pro Football 2, Men’s Pro Football 0

2009, an October to forget…

At least we have the Lakers…and for the moment the Kings are over .500.

The Dodgers lose (again) to the Phillies in 5 games (again) of underwhelming NLCS baseball.  Anaheim blows the ALCS to perhaps the most evil and self-aggrandizing sports organization since Nazi Germany’s olympic squad, the New York Yankees.  Both USC and UCLA are having mediocre seasons and, at least for this year (thanks in part to the Arena Football League shutting down for at least this season) there is still no professional football in Los Angeles.

The only hope on the horizon is city planning going on to build a stadium and perhaps recover our once-beloved NFL Rams.  However, the stadium in the works is proposed to be located in City of Industry, which is not only an ugly town with an ugly name, it’s also nowhere near the center of Los Angeles.  Regardless, our wise Governator has lifted the environmental restrictions (like C of I is some kind of “Green Eden” to begin with…just look at the name) that would’ve otherwise held back this brave new city plan.

Located nowhere near the 10, the 405 nor the 101, City of Industry is practically the Bermuda Triangle of Los Angeles County, with the other two points of the triangle being Chino Hills and Covina.  21 miles southeast of Downtown and somewhere toward 40 miles away from the westside, City of Industry is maybe the worst location to try to revive “City of Angels” enthusiasm and interest in regaining an NFL team.  Even with cheap tickets (good luck), I can’t see the city’s mid to upper economic earners wanting to make the commute.  Bringing back the Rams and putting them in City of Industry is like reclaiming the baby you once left/abandoned to a clean, well-adjusted adopted family home and rehousing the emotionally detached in a section 8 apartment.

But wait, there’s hope….

It is entirely untrue to say there is no professional football in L.A.!  I gladly stand corrected and apologize for tugging at your sports heart strings.  Pro pigskin lives and will hopefully thrive in our fine city in the form of not one, but TWO pro football teams.  Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration:

The LFL (Lingerie Football League) and the IWFL (Independent Women’s Football League) both proudly tout teams hailing from home sweet home L.A.  For the LFL, there’s the Los Angeles Temptation.  For the IWFL, there’s the Los Angeles Amazons.  So there you have it folks; men’s pro football 0, women’s pro football 2.  Assuming you don’t have season tickets and the foam #1 finger for these teams, let me give you a brief primer before I sign off.  It’s pretty simple.

The LFL plays in “Lingerie” (basically bikinis with garter belts) and wears hockey helmets so you can see their model-esque mugs without the obstruction of the traditional facemask.  They do wear pads, but they are strategically designed to still expose the breasts.  Despite the obvious appeal of the LFL for male viewers, LFL is best seen on television.  Seeing the game live, one loses the close-up shots of “what we all came to see” and showing up for the thrill of the sport is kinda like going to Hooters for the chicken, and the clientele is oddly similar.  I’d rather watch it at home, possibly alone.  But don’t be fooled, they are playing full contact tackle football.  Frankly, I’m shocked there isn’t more boob-punching in the LFL, but I suppose there is a women’s code of which I’m not entirely aware.  The L.A. Temptation is currently at 1-1.  The season is a slow burn as far as intensity because the entire league only plays 1 game per week.  Tune it in at KDOC-TV on Friday nights.  Oh, and by the way, they play at a fairly convenient venue, the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena, right next to the Coliseum and, more importantly, nowhere near the City of Industry.

The IWFL, in short, is the more authentic and traditional football league.  Well, I mean it’s all women…but aside from that.  The IWFL has been around for several seasons and the L.A. Amazons have been to the playoffs the last three years straight.  ”You go, girls”, indeed!  This is the game you want to see in person and the atmosphere is more like what you’d expect at a football game.  Just a hop, skip and/or jump from the 5, the 110 and the 101, the Amazons home stadium is conveniently located near Downtown and, once again, nowhere near the City of Industry.

Get a clue, guys.  Take a tip from the femmes.  DON’T bring back the Rams and DON’T put your team in the City of Industry.  In this case, “If you build it, they WON’T come.”  Start a NEW team and play somewhere IN Los Angeles, not in a far corner more accurately described as “L.A.-adjacent”.

See you at the game!