E-Courtship @ Zander A. Alliteration

She was the reason fools fell in love and looked amazing, which was far better than I had assumed.

I met 69TooFine through the internet dating site, DatingBug.org. It was a typical kind of dating social network, where the majority of the user base had strange angle shots of themselves that hid self conscious body parts. Cropped .jpg files leave out disfigurements like peg legs, hair lips, and glass eyes.

69TooFine had none of this, which put me a bit on edge as I waited for the other foot to fall.

“You have a bloody Stump, don’t you?” I said.
“What?” She said.
“Nothing, I meant to say, hello bright eyes?”
“Oh god, did I bother you in the middle of nachos, because you talk a ton of cheese.”
“Hardy har, sister.”
“So this whole video chat thing is kind of strange.”
“You didn’t say hello. How can I enter the conversation without a hello?”
“Hello…”

She was exactly like her profile picture. A perfect Mary Tyler Moore stand in, Dick Van Dyke not the Mary Tyler Moore show. She had almond specks in her hazel eyes and wore her hair long and curled. Black with random strips of purple.

And she was also right, a trait I normally detest in people.

The video chat was kind of strange. But don’t think I am one of those guys who offers money to watch woman on the internet. We were in the middle of our first “E-Date”.

I don’t know if “E-Date” is a certified term, but the definition is when both parties meet on an instant messenger like device and connect through their computers. Which is kind of like a free phone call with really expensive gear.

I had thought the use of video cameras and microphones attached to computers were for capturing cute pet moments, and to aid underage boys in their quest to get the tops off underage girls. Modern day puberty was almost as bad as modern day courtship.

“Do you make all your future dates do this?” I said.
“Defiantly, there are some psychos on the internets and it helps  me to remember I am living in the 21st century, like the Jetsons.”

I met 69TooFine on the internet dating site, DatingBug.org. In fact, she was the one to “sting” Zander_A_Alliteration, my profile on the site. And you know what the kids say about “getting stung on DatingBee.org.”

I don’t have a clue. I made up the saying along with the myth that kids have a saying for someone who clicks a link to send a notification, alert, or message to another user.

But what kind of girl has the name 69toofine? Ever since she “stung me”, the question had been on my mind.

My profile, Zander_A_Alliteration, and her profile, 69TooFine, had a 93% chance of compatibility. The high percentage point was arrived at through the calculations of personality surveys endlessly taken by users of DatingBug.

I was never one to trust personality test online but her username was a nod towards Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a popular cartoon featured on Adult Swim. The cartoon was rated Zaner’s favorite show according to my profile on DatingBug. The show is a great 15 minutes of television and who isn’t interested in the antics of a crime fighting happy meal?

Woman mostly, I could be wrong but have never met one. Though my only friends are strippers, hairdressers, or hairdressers who used to be strippers. In other words, woman who have no desire to sleep with me.

If the kids did have a saying for the sting, it would be that the stinger is hot to trot, which means they are easy, or at least, easy for stingee. Which is the dream of all men.

“Oh my wife is a real Donna Reed in the daylight, real prim and proper. But behind closed doors and only for me, she turns into a pulp fiction vixen of hot love.”
“You have a wife?”
“You know, I really should pay attention to the conversation at hand.” I said. “So you are a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force?”
“Oh yeah, Frylock is the man.”
“O.M.G., Frylock is my favorite character as well.”
“Yeah, screw Meatwad. He is way too Disney for my taste.”
“Did you just use Disney as an adjective?”
“Did you just say O.M.G?”

I could feel a spark of compatibility between us but it could all be false. I had no hope of her joining the land I call reality. Woman weren’t like her and they were not as easy to talk with.

“So what is your real name 69TooFine?”
“It’s Cindy. I sign all my e-mails. You are the one who still has not given me a name Mr. Zander A. Alliteration.”
“It’s Zander, which is short of Alexander.”
“Ahhh and A. Alliteration is a joke for the intellectuals among us?”
“It’s a social rorschach test.”
“You like to spend time in Silver Lake, listen to NPR, and order your coffee, Venti.”
“I don’t even know what Venti is.”

Her name, Cindy, matched with her profile but anyone could have gotten her name. I suspected the Video Chat Cindy was a model for the real Cindy, bloody stump and all, to ensnare her future suiters from DatingBug.org.
As when the main character of a movie, some light hearted Dudly Doo right type, is duped by a love interest, Hollywood Style with breast of a good size but not obscene.

“So do you like coffee? Venti and all?”
“I am a big fan of caffeine, in all it’s speckled colors.”
“So you should ask me to meet you for coffee.”
“Yeah, but that would involve possible rejection, my picking up of the tab, and the disillusion involved with Video Chat Cindy and Cindy with the bloody stump.”
“Who is Cindy with the bloody stump?”
“Oh don’t play dumb with me. You know all too well who Bloody Stump Cindy is.”
“So dose that mean you want to go dutch for a coffee?”
“Tell Bloody Stump Cindy, I will meet her at 3, and freshly wrap the bandages”

Like a mouse who just scored a hunk of cheese, I only had a short time before the trap was sprung. The game was a foot but it could be a foul.

Well kiddies that’s it for this issue of the Flash Fiction story “Zander A. Alteration”. Join Zander next time in “Handshakes and Back Stabs”