How to Become an Adequately Cultured Person

A Half-Assed. DIY Guide to Well-Roundedness (or at least Faking it.)

So a lot of people write these “how to be well-rounded” articles at some point or another in their writing careers.  Maybe it’s full of shit, but I don’t know, it was on my mind today and I figured, what the hey?  I need to write something.  Any article on being well-rounded that has “shit” somewhere in the first paragraph has to be somewhat different, and possibly good.  As this is a Half-Assed guide, it’s full of shortcuts and easy ways to become cultured, or at least, seem more cultured than you really are.

Unlike most people who give sage advice, I’m not going to give you a list of “must-read” books.  I will give you a general idea of what does doesn’t count, but I’m not one of these people who thinks you’re a philistine if you hate Charles Dickens and couldn’t get past the first page of “A Tale of Two Cities.”  I will even forgive you if you hate Mark Twain.

What does “well rounded” mean?  It’s subjective, of course, but a well-rounded person, in my estimation, can feel equally comfortable at a redneck dive bar or at some fancy schmancy shindig…or at least be able to feign comfort.

I like writing about fancy stuff because I’m one of those freaks who sometimes wishes he were alive back in the Roaring 20s, when nobody fussed at you about smoking. Back then, everyone was well grounded in reality: they knew smoking is cool, and chicks with those cigarette holders are hot.  (Note: the author does not in any way condone smoking.  Smoking is bad for your health.  The Surgeon General warns that smoking by pregnant women may result in fetal injury, premature birth, and low birth weight.)  Anyway, this article is about high-brow culture.  While I’ve never really belonged there, I know enough people who do that I can pass for noveau riche when I have to…which is never, but you know, you can have a lot of fun messing with them anyway.  Sadly, I can’t pass for old-money, I don’t have the street-cred—no expensive prep schools or Izod shirts here.

So this article is, in a sense, a guide about dealing with people who may be far more cultured than you are, and convincing them you are at least closer to their level than they think.  Use this knowledge at your peril, however.  I tell you how to fake these things, but not that it is a good idea to.  Bullshitting people is probably the stupidest thing you can do, in a serious situation.  But sometimes, it’s just too hilarious to pass up.

Anyway, each segment is divided into Basic, Advanced, and Master Techniques.  The difference is in how clever you are.  Some people have to do the basic techniques their whole lives, which means actually doing work.  But if you’ve gone through enough of the basics, or can skip them by means of your own sheer awesomeness, the Advanced Technique is for you: it means you can Fake It. A true Master has attained the ability to Make It and Fake It at the same time, which I suppose means he’s the genuine article, but I’m not totally sure.

Why is this important?  Let’s say you end up at a party for some art showing, presumably as a favor for a friend.  Your friend has abandoned you.  Everyone’s talking about stuff you don’t care about, like how Salieri was underrated and that Wendtworth Higgenbotham made it into Harvard.  You just can’t stop looking at that blonde babe in the red dress who looks as bored as you do, but you just can’t get away from this group of people who are discussing literature.  You can’t escape this group, they have you trapped in some sort of Borg tractor-beam.  This reject from Revenge of the Nerds asks you if you’ve read The Adventures of Roderick Random by Tobias Smollett.  First of all, what the hell kind of name is “Roderick Random” and second, who the hell names their kid Tobias Smollett?  Unfortunately, you don’t know anything about picaresque novels of the 18^th century, so instead you say “your mom asked me that last night.”  The annoying nerd in a polo-shirt and ascot, confused, asks what business you had with his dear mother.  You tell him he’s gay.  He says yes, he’s “very exuberant at the moment—oh but you probably meant homosexual, in that case, no” but he still doesn’t see why that’s relevant to what business you had with his mother.  You punch him in the face.  He cries.  The party stops.  Even the guy on the piano is shaking his head at you: for shame, for shame.  Everyone’s staring at you, and blondie in red rushes over and slaps you for punching out her poor defenseless little brother.

This is not something that actually happened to me, but could have.  Names have been changed, it wasn’t an art showing and I never did punch the guy, blondie probably wasn’t his sister, and it wasn’t Roderick Random. But it’s what would have happened if I did what I wanted to do at an unfortunate party, once.  It could have been me.  Maybe it could have been you, too.

Never fear, I will tell you what you must do to deal with such people without bringing mothers or questions of sexual orientation into the equation.  No, you must be able to Make It, or Fake It, and by It, I mean, being well-rounded.  You must either really be well-rounded, or be able to fake being well-rounded to the point that anyone who speaks to you assumes you really are.

Imagine all the other scenarios that could take place:  What kind of wine should you order at a restaurant?  White goes with beef, right?  WRONG!  You’ll look like an idiot! What kind of beer should you recommend for an upscale party?  Michelob Premium?  WRONG! You’ll look like a redneck.  What kind of cigars should you bring to celebrate the birth of your best friend’s baby?  Tampa Nugget?  CHEAPSKATE BASTARD!   What is the difference between Romantic and Romanticist music?  SHE MEANT WAGNER, NOT BARRY WHITE YOU RETARD! Where does Opera fit in all that?  What kind of books should you have read, or pretend to have read?  All these questions, and more, have answers.  Answers you will find by studying these subjects.

Books:

Basic Technique: you have to know something about books to be a well-rounded person.  Yes, I promised not to give you a list of books to study.  Instead, here’s a rule of thumb: you must study one major American author, one major British author, and one major Other European/Russian author.  Any book will do.  And by major, I mean, Dickens (ugh), Twain, Dostoyevsky, Nabakov, Eliot, Hemingway, Faulkner, Camus, etc.  It doesn’t hurt to read more than that, but study some books from various major authors of your choice, and you’ll be able to come across as well-rounded.  When I say study, I mean, become intimately acquainted with the books: learn quotations, use the book in everyday speech, impress and/or bore your friends.  Who knows?  You might even like reading.  And sadly, New York Times bestsellers don’t count.  Tom Clancy, John Grisham, Dean Koontz, and Oprah are right out.  We’re talking real literature here.

Advanced Technique: If you want to make it, do the Basic technique, but pick one of the authors and become an expert in his work (read at least 75% of his or her literary output.)  If you really hate reading, however, and don’t feel like becoming an expert, the best way to get through a conversation is by using the “dismissal technique.”  When someone talks about reading literature, you say you don’t have time for fiction, then ask if they ever read The Adventures of Roderick Random by Tobias Smollett.  It’s important that you memorize this about the book: it is a picaresque novel of the mid-18^th century (1700s) and unless your intended target is me, or holds a Doctorate in English literature, he won’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Just memorize this line: “The Adventures of Roderick Random, by Tobias Smollett, ruined English Literature for me.  You’ve never heard of it?  Why, it is a picaresque novel of the mid-18^th century, and my god I was so glad to put it down, the writing was so terribly trite and turgid.  I prefer to fill my brain with important, real world information to help me improve my own personal condition.  I’ll let chumps worry about the human condition at large.  Literature is for chumps.”  You can use whatever word you deem fit instead of “chump.”  Arrange this dismissal to fit your own oeuvre.

Master Technique:  Do the Basic Technique, then become an expert in everything by one minor literary figure from any nationality (such as Tobias Smollett from England) and be able to discuss the author’s work at length. Throw in insults about major figures (Dickens was a hack; Smollett was an under-appreciated genius, and it is a terrible shame he isn’t given the credit he deserves.)  This will make you come off as completely obnoxious, but you’re awesome enough to get away with it.

Music:

Basic: listen to one major symphony by at least five classical composers.  This should take roughly three to seven hours.  Memorize which symphony it is.  Be able to hum the most important part.  Extra points for originality: everyone knows Beethoven’s Fifth and Ninth symphonies, and we all know the Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky, so don’t rely too heavily on them.  Anything else by Beethoven is good.  Mozart is a good bet. Brahms is better.  Bach is adequate. Chopin is better. Extra points for Dvorak, Verdi, or Mendelssohn.  Multiply your points if you listen to and learn something about Opera.  If you cannot tolerate Classical or Opera, learn something about early Jazz, swing, space-age-bachelor-pad-music, blues, or any other non-rock, non-pop genre.  Become an expert in one important pre-1970s musical genre, and that is more than enough to excuse you from any dabbling in classical at all.  But you must be an expert.

Advanced:  There is no shortcut, you must do the Basic technique in whatever way you see fit.  But when confronted about classical, you may tell the other person that Salieri completely ruined classical music for you, and that the Beatles suck when compared to the Monkees (even if you do not believe it yourself.)  If you do not cause an aneurysm, you will make a friend for life.

Master: much like with books, do the basic and advanced techniques, but become an aficionado of one obscure artist in an obscure genre, and discuss how underrated he is compared to any other musician ever.

Food:

Basic: Read American Non-Kitchen by Charles Spencer, here on ANF.  Read and read often.

Advanced: Read it and try his suggestions out.

Master: Read it, try his suggestions, and discuss how inferior all other cuisines are to the one you prefer.  Or learn how to copy the cuisine.

Alcohol:

Basic: Start out easy.  Go with beers: if all you drink is Bud or Michelob, you need to expand your lineup. If you want to be snooty, find a micro-brew in your favorite type (to do this, you must know the differences between lagers, ales, pilsners, and all the rest) and discuss how superior your favored micro-brew is compared to the major brands.  Abita is good for Southerners.  Foreign brewers are good, too, but no Heine or other major brands. Always keep a few on hand.  Points if you brew your own.  Double points if it’s better than store-bought. Me, I always turn to Rasputin: the ultimate dark beer.

Advanced: Hard Liquors.  You can either become an expert in hard-liquors at large (by tasting expensive offerings of all of the majors), or focus your knowledge in one particular beverage: Vodkas, Scotches, Whiskeys, Bourbons, Cognacs, etc.  Pick one extraordinarily expensive one to keep a bottle of on hand for special occasions.  I have become a fan of Scotch, and Aberlour’s 12-year offering is quite tasty, smooth, sweet at first with a nice sour bite at the end.  I always keep a bottle on hand.  You get extra points if the bottle has obviously been opened and used before, it looks classier that way.  When you get the bottle, drink maybe 1/4^th of it over the course of a couple days, or one awesome evening.  I don’t hear you complaining.

Master:  Delve into obscure beverages.  Sake, Absinthe, Ouzo, etc.  Become an expert in one or two, again, by drinking and reading about them.  Keep some on hand, along with a fully stocked liquor cabinet.

Wine: (Wine is a different beast from beer and hard-liquor, so different it deserves its own category)

Basic: Learn everything you can about Wine.

Advanced: Go to tastings.

Master: know what they’re talking about at tastings.

Cigars:

While smoking is no longer cool, you must know something about cigars to be anywhere near well-rounded.  If you cannot or will not smoke a few cigars, you do not have to participate: it is unwise to fake knowledge in this arena.  If you smoke cigarettes, you must expect to know something about cigars.  If you are female, you will earn many points if you have a little knowledge about them, but learn too much and men will think you’re a lesbian (which will either be a blessing or a curse, depending on what circles you run in.)  Gas station cigars do not count.  Black and Milds or Tampa Nuggets are not cigars: they’re pretend.  Expect to spend at least $6-10 a piece, sometimes much more.

Basic: Know about the major brands of premium cigars.  Montecristo and Davidoff are safe bets.  If you prefer exotic flavoring, Acid is the way to go.  Keep some on hand in a humidor, even if you do not smoke: they make great gifts, and can smooth over the bad first-impression you made with your future father-in-law.

Advanced:  Have a preferred wrapper, either by coloration: (claro, maduro, oscuro, etc.) or by tobacco type: Connecticut Shade, Venezuelan, Dominican, candela, etc.  Know something about someone famous who smokes the same.  (Example: “Did you know the Candela—a green, mild tobacco leaf—was JFK’s favorite wrapper?”)  It is safe to smoke mid-range cigars to learn more about the effects of flavor.

Master: To reach the master technique, you must violate a trade embargo, or have access to cigars imported from Cuba before 1962 (which are still good, if they were well-kept.)  Pre-Embargo Cubans are often worth over $3000.  The author in no way condones the embargo, but neither does he condone committing a crime to evade a stupid law.

That should be enough for now, but there will likely be a sequel to this article in the future, discussing other things you can do to be well-rounded, or at least come off that way.  And if any of you dear readers have suggestions, please share with the rest of the audience!