Television Sucks America: Groomer Has It vs. I’m A Celebrity

Jesus Christ, please get me out of here.

This is my job, my station in life.  If it wasn’t for an obsession with broadcasting or what passes for it, all I would be is a consumer.  I arrived here in a way not entirely dissimilar to how a red-cheeked youngster that wants to see the whole world ends up with an I.E.D. injury and only got to Boot Camp and Baghdad.  I dreamed a dream that watching television would lead to unexplored horizons and unimagined revelations, or at least G.E.D. worthy edutainment.  We started with a diet of education and discipline and ended in armageddon.  This (dramatic pause), is armageddon….

“Groomer Has It” vs. “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”:

Groomer Has It is on Animal Planet.  I’m a Celebrity is on NBC;  point to Celebrity.

Groomer Has It is features “real people”.  I’m a Celebrity features “real celebrities”;  point to none.

Groomer Has It has seemingly real homosexuals.  I’m a Celebrity has seemingly false christians;  point to Groomer.

Groomer Has It runs one hour.  I’m a Celebrity runs over one hour; point to Groomer.

Groomer Has It rewards the competitors.  I’m a Celebrity rewards charities; point to Celebrity.

Groomer Has it is good for dogs and dog owners.  I’m a Celebrity is good for celebrities and those obsessed with them;  point to Groomer.

Ratings?  Who cares.  Production costs?  Groomer comes in far cheaper for just as many “I almost really enjoyed that” moments.

“Groomer Has It” wins on points.  Congratulations.

The real winner?  Clearly not this viewer.  The shame, the shame.  Be careful, people.  You start with a little “Deadliest Catch”, start filling in the downtime with “Top Chef” and next thing you know you’re “Dancing With the Stars” and watching highlight clips of “America’s Next Top Model”.  I eagerly await Oprah’s 2-hour special on all this, co-hosted by a finger-wagging Chris Hansen and featuring interviews by a very angry Matt Lauer.

This article is going to be more appreciated in hindsight as the story of how I got fired from being president of the unofficial Werner Herzog fan club.   The shame….the shame.

Remember when TV used to stop every day at about 12 or 1am with a rousing rendition or the national anthem?  Those were the days.