The Politics of Personal Distraction

Back in the halcyon days of President William Jefferson Clinton, the “politics of personal destruction” were a huge deal. In this year of our Lord twenty-aught-eight, “the politics of personal distraction” is the issue du jour. I’ve done everything I can to distract myself from this race, to no avail.

I find myself at a loss during this election cycle. There are no “sacred cows” for me in this one, I’m completely irreverent towards the candidates and the system which spawned them.  Kinda like last election, come to think of it. I cannot stomach a candidate who fancies himself a Messiah, nor can I stomach a candidate who styles his typical Washington-insider ways as anything resembling “Maverick.” If there’s a maverick in DC, his name is Ron Paul. Throw in Dennis Kucinich for bipartisanship’s sake, and we see what happened to them.

I mean, what’s wrong with everyone? What’s wrong with America? We pan and make fun of our current president when he claims to get messages from God, yet we want to replace him with someone who thinks he is God? America, WTF? Then there’s the war hero who wants more wars when our military is already, to paraphrase Bilbo Baggins, “spread like not-enough butter over too-much toast.”

I’ve grown up following politics. When I was a teenager, it was my favorite hobby (other than studying bizarre properties of physics I might incorporate into my as-yet unfinished sci-fi magnum opus.) I was home-schooled, so I figured on being a Republican for life (it tends to come with the territory). Then I discovered libertarianism on these grand interwebs.  But by the time I graduated high school and got out into college, I grew up and now I much prefer skirt-chasing, writing, listening to Grant Lee Phillips, exercising with girya, and smoking Djarum Supers to following politics. Despite my preferred hobbies, I find myself drawn once more into the political realm. I describe myself as “anarchist,” and while true, I do have to follow what’s going on in the real world for any number of reasons (not least of which, the fact that I haven’t seen a penny of a bailout. Oh wait, only bankers get bailed out for their bad investments.)

Obama’s campaign is remarkably similar to Adolf Hitler’s. Hitler relied on speeches which really didn’t say much of substance, but were delivered in such a way as to stir the masses into an emotional furor. Not entirely true, his speeches had more substance than Obama’s, but he was pure evil and I don’t believe Senator Obama is anything close to pure evil, I think he’s just a politician. In Obama’s case, he stirs people into a state not dissimilar to a massive Charismatic Revival, complete with fainting and uncontrollable outbursts of dance and laughter. Hitler just made people nuts. So that is where my comparison with Hitler ends. In fact, I take all that back. Barack Obama is more Professor Harold Hill and less Adolf Hitler. He’s sweet-talked his way into the hearts of the people of Gary Indiana, err, America and promises us tremendous change for the better, if only we agree that there’s “gonna be big trouble—right here in River City—trouble with “T” that rhymes with “P” that stands for Pool!” And by “pool,” Obama means “everything.”

Obama wants to raise taxes on producers, which is always a great thing to do in a recession. I think the last guy who tried it was Herbert Hoover, and his presidency sucked so bad he got a vacuum named after him. Okay, that’s an old one, but it works. So yes, vote for Obama if you want him to go down in history alongside Herbert Hoover.

McCain’s campaign is similar to a skit I saw on the HBO program Little Britain. A former astronaut needs his radiator repaired, and an Asian Indian man comes to service the radiator. While there, the repairman is subjected to the astronaut’s lonely self-aggrandizement. “Pardon me, my Indian friend, let me move that moon rock out of your way… There. I’d hate for a moon rock to get in your way. I was the eighth man on the moon, you know. That’s me in the picture. Yep. On the moon.” The repairman is, of course, not terribly impressed. But McCain is dancing about shouting “look everybody, I was a POW…and I voted with Bush except when I voted against my own party, which was an awful lot before Bush! In fact, before Bush came along, I could have joined the Democratic Party!” Not that there’s anything wrong with joining the Democratic Party.

Not to denigrate anyone who was or is a prisoner of war. I have respect for anyone who fights for what he believes in, or a cause larger than himself. And I appreciate the torment the Senator must have endured. Nonetheless, I’m still not convinced of McCain’s ability to determine whether or not those NORAD radar blips are pigeons headed to the Superbowl for a post-game feast, or ICBMs from the Russians in response to his belligerency.  The fact that he is so willing to compromise his own principles and those of his party for the sake of “bipartisanship” isn’t exactly a winning point.  Both sides make good points sometimes, but McCain is as much a flip-flopper as John Kerry.  The only reason he’s not lambasted by Republicans for his flip-floppery is that he’s a Republican, not a Democrat.  Wait, I expect consistency in politics? Am I mad?

As for Obama, my dislike for him has nothing to do with race. Had I been of voting age in 2000, I would have voted for Alan Keyes. Yeah, he’s gone nuts since 2000, so I kind of despaired in 2004 when he ran. That and I’m not a Republican-wannabe anymore.

No, I am disgusted by Obama’s ego.

What in the name of Great Cthulhu has Obama accomplished that we should hail him as the Third Coming? Ivy League? We see what the last Ivy Leaguer has done in the Oval Office, two inept wars and eight years of economic decline later. Wait, wasn’t Obama a Community Organizer? Well and good. He should be president of the Rotary Club or something. I see he’s a Chicago Politician. Illinois. Chicago. Chicago. Illinois. You know, next to Gary, Indiana—where The Music Man was set. Not exactly the most sanitary environment for a politician. The last un-corrupt government official in Illinois was Elliot Ness, and he was a G-man they brought in from DC to clean Capone’s clock. On the other hand, the stubborn people of Jerusalem asked of Jesus, “can any good thing come from Nazareth?” Maybe Chicago is America’s Nazareth and I’m wrong. Maybe a good, clean politician made it through Illinois’ system unscathed by scandal.

Nonetheless, I want to see results, and when I look at the good Senator’s voting record, I see no significant move towards change. Then when I look at his State voting record, I see a lot of “present” votes. “Present” means “I’m too scared to let anyone judge my opinion of this issue in the future.” Don’t tell me of his non-political accomplishments. None of them qualify him for much more than a metropolitan mayoral candidacy, or a governorship of a state like Alaska. Kinda like Sarah Palin.

Their campaign promises remind me of the Election episode of Futurama. Two identical men are debating on the stand, one of them says: “Your plan goes too far!” and the other retorts, “That may be true, but I think your plan doesn’t go too far enough!”

Here’s an example. One promises lower taxes for Producers, the other for Consumers (and both higher taxes for the other.) Lower taxes create more incentive for hard work, according to most economists since the Kennedy Presidency. Why not divide the tax cut among everyone? Senator Obama wants fairness, so does Senator McCain. Why not flog a Flat Tax? Chuck Norris supports a Flat Tax, and if the all-powerful Bearded One supports it, why haven’t these two gotten in line?  I think a Roundhouse Kick is in order. No, a Flat Tax is the only truly equitable form of taxation, as everyone pays the same percentage regardless of Class or Social Status, or whatever other politically correct euphemism you wish to use instead of Caste—which is what we really have, a Caste system (full disclosure: I grew up in the lower-middle-class.) Eastern Europe and Russia now have flat tax schemes. When the former Soviet Union has more economic freedom and political equity than America, you know something’s screwed up in the world.

That leaves us with the Third Party candidates. Nader is in as usual. I don’t know what we’ll do when he retires from politics: he’s kind of like fruit-cake at Christmas. Nobody likes fruit-cake, but it’s just not Christmas without it. Then we have Bob Barr on the Libertarian ticket, and most libertarians don’t even like him. I used to be a card-carrying member of the LP in Alabama. I gave up on the Libertarian Party about the same time I gave up on Humanity and a Star Wars prequel that didn’t suck. Chuck Baldwin brings in the Constitution Party, which is basically like the Libertarian Party only with a lust for legislating morality. I know nothing of Mr. Baldwin, and as I’m not big into drug laws or regulating what consenting adults do inside the confines of their bedrooms, I need not read more beyond the party talking points. I don’t know who the Commie is, but whoever it is, has got to be kidding. Why does the Communist Party of America even exist? Why bother?

There’s no change. There’s no maverick. There are just two politicians, either of whom will do his best to maintain the national Corporatist Status Quo while consolidating his own power. You can choose the lesser of two evils. I choose not to participate in this farce. Choosing not to choose is a valid choice. I refuse to participate in a system that is so thoroughly broken as ours.

What America needs is to wake up. What America needs is to get mad. Not euphoric over empty promises of “change,” not agog over Three Senators and a Hockey Mom. We need to get mad.

So, to steal from Howard Beale in Network, one of the most prescient and timeless films of the 1970s:

You’ve got to say ‘I’m a human being, goddamn it! My life has value!’ … I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now, go to the window and open it, then stick your head out and yell: ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’

That’s what I’ll be doing on Election Day. I will go to my window, open it, and stick my head out and yell precisely that. Then (assuming I don’t get arrested for disturbing the public peace) I will go to the voting booth and write “Richard Nixon’s Head from Futurama” in on the ballot for President, Cthulhu for Representative, J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs for my State Representative, and whatever subculture references I can think of. My ballot will be thrown away, but at least I’ll be entertained, which is at the core of the Politics of Personal Distraction.

And if you think I’ve bad taste in politics, at least rest assured that I have good taste in movies. Go out and rent Network and watch it before Election Day. You’ll thank me. If George Orwell had been more concerned with Corporatocracy than Communism, it’s the story he would have written instead of 1984. Paddy Chayevsky was a genius. Distract yourself, and be amused that 32 years ago, people were worried over the exact same crap we are so worried about today.