Introduction

A few months ago, I returned from The Republic of Korea, where I spent a few years living and teaching English. I was prepared for the culture shock; I mean, it was Asia, and more than that, it was Korea. My collective knowledge of Korea was that there was a war there in between WWII and Viet-Nam, which spawned a movie called M*A*S*H, which in turn spawned a popular TV show starring that guy from Dragnet. Also, there was an Olympics there, during which some American diver smashed his head on the diving board.

Needless to say, this was not a lot to go on.

So it wasn’t difficult to imagine I’d undergo culture shock. And I did, though the expression itself is misleading. “Shock” carries with it connotations of suddenness. Shock is something you’d experience when a mortar round abruptly exploded three feet in front of you. Shock is what you’d feel if you woke up and discovered your penis was missing.

Culture shock, at least for me, was a gradual thing. It creeps up and manifests itself in peculiar ways. As my preamble is getting a bit long, I’ll skip the anecdotes and examples and cut to the chase: I’ve discovered it works the same way in reverse.

That’s right. I’m back in America and I can’t remember how to be an American. I don’t even know what one is, really. Odd, because in Korea I routinely identified myself as one. But here, I’ve found myself wandering down the cereal isle of the massive grocery store, literally paralyzed by the sheer volume of choices Americans have. Do we really need 23 varieties of toilet paper? 19 distinct toothpastes? 33 deodorants? Yes, I counted.

They say you can never go home again. I intend to prove them wrong, and I’m taking you with me. What follows is the first installment of my look at a nation–its customs, its language, and all its inscrutable quirks–that was once my home, and has become my home again.

Volume One: The Police

Driving back from Montreal this past weekend, I was cruising along at a comfortable speed of 71mph, confident that I was not so far above the 65 limit as to warrant the intervention of a Law Enforcement Agent. However, I failed to note that the speed limit had dropped to 55, and I was therefore 14mph over the speed limit. Blue lights erupted in my rearview. I think some colorful words came out of my mouth. It got me thinking about this little song-and-dance we do with the cops. At last count, there were over 251 million passenger vehicles in the United States. Pilot one long enough, despite keen eyes and possible ownership of an illegal radar detector, you’re bound to be pulled over by the police at some point. When it happens, it is best to be ready. Below is an analysis of two peculiar and tricky questions frequently put forth by traffic cops.

Getting Pulled Over

Before the questions are asked, you are pulled to the side of the road. Officer Steve Squarejaw grunts out of his sleek patrol car and swaggers on his hind legs to your driver-side window, a stern look of command and control set in the firm slit below his mustache, (which you suddenly realize is his mouth). He might identify himself as being an officer with the East Bumfrick Police Department. This is for your benefit, in case the flashing lights and roaring siren on the clearly-labeled police cruiser (or, for that matter, the police uniform, sporting a badge that reads “police,”) didn’t lead you to conclude, on your own, that Officer Squarejaw was a police officer. Of course, if you didn’t know this already, that begs the question, “why did you pull over?” But such questions are not the focus of this analysis. No, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over?

This is one of the trickiest questions posed by a traffic cop, and it’s usually accompanied by a hard stare through impenetrable dark glasses, beneath a rather ridiculous-looking State Trooper hat. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” is deceptively simple and subtle in design. You have four main options on how to reply.

1. Lie

“No, officer, I’m not really sure.” It would seem a good choice, but this approach might backfire. You might be seen as a liar. Or, worse, he might believe you, and conclude that your ignorance of the fact that you were doing 85MPH in reverse down a crowded sidewalk can only be due to a heroic dose of crank.

2. Use the Honest Approach

“Why yes, officer, I know why you pulled me over. I do believe I was doing 90 in a school zone, and may have even clipped a kid back there. Yep, see, there’s his retainer, stuck to my hood ornament.” Clearly, the honest approach is not much better. In fact, he might come down even harder on you as a result, since what you’re essentially saying is: “I was fully aware that what I was doing was illegal, and did it anyway, because I have a deep-seated disdain for the law and a raging contempt for authority figures such as yourself.” Also, what if you come clean, but what you’re admitting to isn’t actually what you’re being pulled over for? Now you’re doubly screwed. “Yes, officer, you’re pulling me over because, while trying to smoke a joint and load my 9mm handgun at the same time, I lost control of the wheel and accidentally ran over that elderly woman with this car I stole from whoever’s body is now in trunk, bleeding on that load of heroin and bootlegged kiddie-porn.” To which the officer would reply, “Uh, no, actually, you made an illegal left turn back there.”

3. Get Indignant

“Yeah, I know why you pulled me over, you prick, it’s because you’re a gutless, soulless tool of an oppressive and invasive governing body.” This usually gets things rolling in an entertaining direction, but should be avoided if you have any aversion to being blasted with a taser gun, beaten with a nightstick, and sodomized with a toilet plunger in the holding cell of some backwoods cop shop.

4. Say “Me no speekie de Engaleeshi.”

Though it is so often the best way to avoid unpleasant conversations, believe it or not, in certain parts of America, pretending that you can’t speak English is actually the most dangerous option available.

There is a fifth option, and that is to say nothing at all, but rather throw the car in drive and peel out, tailpipe belching exhaust into the officer’s face as you attempt a bold getaway. But anyone who has even casually half-watched an episode of Cops knows you’ll only end up shirtless and hollering in the back of a police cruiser. Best we just avoid that option, and continue on with our analysis. Which brings us to the next question that cops love to ask…

Do you know how fast you were going?

This is not as much of a trick question, but selecting your answer can be tricky due to the wealth of possible responses.

Unacceptable Responses

* “No, sir, I don’t. In fact, I think I dozed off. All that moonshine made me a bit sleepy.”

* “Apparently not fast enough, if you managed to catch up to me in that shitbox you call a cruiser.”

* “Well, I couldn’t have been going THAT fast. I mean, the car is pretty weighed down with illegal fireworks.”

* “It had to be under 88 miles per hour, because I did not go back in time.”

* “No, I don’t. Do you know how gay you look in that uniform?”

Acceptable Responses

* History and experience have shown that police officers react quite favorably to being questioned or corrected. Furthermore, they enjoy being challenged intellectually, so be sure to use as many multisyllabic words as possible. Try answering the question with another question. “Do you know why you feel the need to insult my intelligence by asking me such imprudent questions? Do I appear that obtuse? Furthermore, why must you belittle me by placing a disingenuous ’sir’ and the end of question so obviously laced with unadulterated abhorrence and preeminence?”

* Appeal to his sense of power and authority with this little gem: “What does that matter? All that matters is how fast YOU think I was going. You’re the one with the gun, hotshot.”

In Conclusion

Simply follow this advice, and you’ll soon find yourself free of these troublesome questions, having moved on to more interesting questions, such as “Can you step out of the car, sir?” and “Do you understand these rights as I’ve explained them to you?”