Made Of Honor

Made of Honor: a film

I’m trying to remember Jeff Large and the CDs he might have left behind when he left Los Angeles. Jeff had a few prize possessions, one of which was the William Burroughs/Kurt Cobain CD “The Priest They Called Him”; which was not nearly as rare as Jeff would have us believe –though it might be rare now. Apparently the CD was recorded with Burroughs reading at one sitting and Kurt playing at a different one. The two performers never met.

I knew I didn’t put enough money in the parking meter and I impetuously attacked the meter maid when we returned to the car and found him putting a ticket under the windshield wiper. I was arrested. Troy drove the car back to my parents’ house (it’s there car) and took a nap on my futon.

Troy slept all night and into the next day. The alarm on his phone went off at 1:30 in the afternoon at which point he went to the kitchen and took one of my red bulls out of the refrigerator; then walked back to the futon and nursed it until 2:45. Troy arrived at my work at 3:06, went to the locker room, deduced which locker was mine and took a shirt out of it, put it on and went to the salesfloor.

During my break he reads an article on James Frey in Vanity Fair. Months from the time you read this it will be revealed that many of the events depicted in that article are fake; but until that time these events are ‘safe’.

To kill time until the fabricated details of that Vanity Fair article are brought to light, Troy throws himself into a whirlwind of James Freyesque controversy –using my name.

I receive letters in jail from angry readers who accuse me of never having actually committed suicide.

This is how it works: Troy causes controversy –I deal with the consequences- but for legal reasons we are both me. Maybe Troy writes a review of Fight Club where he imagines there is a me who is not him; and that me writes reviews of movies he has not seen. I however did not write a review of Fight Club –I have seen Fight Club. I am still writing about Jeff Large owning a CD by William Burroughs (who is dead) and Kurt Cobain (who is also dead) who never met each other. To accomplish this I write on both sides of the pages in my notebook (I am running out of paper).

To write about Fight Club Troy writes about how Bronson Pinchot’s character ‘Balki’ on Perfect Strangers was ABC’s means of capitalizing on Yakoff Smirnoff’s popularity; he describes Yakoff Smirnoff’s Last Stand (farewell show) in great detail.

During visiting hours I receive a phone call. It is Troy.

“I’m trying to remember an episode of Politically Incorrect where Marilyn Manson describes peer pressuring Billy Corgan into snorting powdered sea monkeys. He didn’t say ‘Billy Corgan’ but I knew that’s who it was ‘cause I read the story somewhere else. The best part is when Bill Maher tries to make sense of it by saying something like: “so this is some sort of commentary on the prevalence of drug use among celebrities?” and Manson responds: “I’m just saying that it happened… and that it’s wrong.” Then they cut to a commercial.”

“I see.” I said, and hung up the phone.

What can I say about my time in prison? It was certainly not peaceful, though I managed to write most of the time I was there. While writing I felt as if I could voluntarily give up the ephemeral things in life –things I wanted most. In some ways jail was ideal.

Troy was busy living in my old life, reviewing films I had never seen while I was in jail writing reviews of films no one could see. It struck me once: there are no bad movies only bad reviews. But what am I doing now? What makes up this review? I can honestly say that this is a bad review… but in what sense is it bad?

Let’s just say that Made of Honor is probably a bad movie and leave it at that.