Dear Jane,

Hello to all my adoring fans,

Jane is back and I am here to help the people. From love notes to questions, I get letters all the time. Everyone seems to want to know some bit of knowledge from the queen of brand labels.

Before, I tried to answer every mail and would sit in my local Starbucks to rattle off my sage-like advice with a mocha in hand. However, I only helped one person and knew I knew I could do more. I could answer the letters, drink the mocha, and post them on American NonFicition.

I can help the world and not get dirty in the peace core. I call that win-win.

No Cash in California

Dear Jane,

I am a 29 year old stay at home mom with four kids. Three are my fiancée “William’s” and the littlest is ours. William and I have been together for 9 years.

I am a depressed and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend all of our money. I don’t know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel good. When I’m depressed I go to the mall and shop. I buy things I don’t need but tickle my eye. I have started shopping online. I feel horrible about it but it makes me feel so good. William and I have tried everything, including separate bank accounts. Please help, I don’t know what to do.

-Bankrupt in Barstow

Dear Bankrupt in Barstow,

I really don’t see what your problem is. We all like to shop. How can you not with great deals and variety at your local mall? If you can’t get into the GAP with your credit. Well, Old Navy is two doors down or next to the BestBuy across the parking lot. Say what you will about Old Navy, I found the perfect scarf there one fall. I had to defend myself against 2 enraged grandmothers but a girl has to do… you catch my drift.

I have never been one to shop online. I need to feel how the cloth hugs my curves. I wouldn’t lease a car without a test drive, date a guy without a test ride, why would I buy clothing from a picture on some website? It makes no sense but I digress.

You have been with a same guy for 9 years, taken care of his children, and you don’t think you have a right to shop? Sister, if I were in your shoes, my shoes would be down at Louie Vuitton with a nanny on speed dial.

Better living with brand labels,
Jane

A Corporate Conundrum

Dear Jane,

I have made the worst mistake of my life. I worked for a independently owned company. Our lunches were paid for, we had a pool table, and great supportive staff. Then a former co-worker told me of a management position about to open at the multinational corporation. In her offer, I saw my golden opportunity for advancement. To make a long story short, I got the job.

The problem is I HATE my new job. This Multinational Corporation is unfriendly at best. Management belittles staff in the middle of meetings. Praise is given to higher ups and their shit rolls down hill. The office is a bleak frozen tundra, devoid of “good mornings” wishes and my new Co-workers are rabid and fierce with the nature of predators.

I am a friendly happy person and I have had a hard time. I miss my independent company. I miss my morning coffee at the pool table. I have made a grave error, the glimmer of a bigger expense account cost my soul. At my old job, they have filled my position and scratched my name off the door. There’s no way I can go back. What should I do?

-Miffed in Milwakie

Dear Miffed,

Welcome to the real world.

Sure, you got to float in a sea of liberal hippy bull for a number of years but now is the time to wake up and smell the Guatemalan. Miffed, you are in the rat race and your mission is simple. Acquire mass material belongs. The only way you will ever fit in with your co-workers is to become better than them. Max out your credit, you can because you work for the Multi-national corporations. Your job isn’t going anywhere and if the rigors of financial insanity do threaten to topple your new company, there are many governments in the world that will loan them money. Look at what it has done for the airline industry.

Buck up, my buxom sale soldier, you are now in do or die territory. As my father used to say “kill or be killed”, you can survive but you have to cast off the bleeding heart. You don’t went your co-workers to have a “Good Morning”, you want them to keel over and die. It’s the only way up the chain. At the end of the day relax, have a iced white mocha Verde (weather permitting), sit in a lavish slice of brand label heaven, and know it’s all worth it.

Better living with brand labels,
Jane

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