Gainfully Unemployed

In the age of web 2.0, jobs are easy to acquire through E-commerce.

Sites, like Craigslist.org, Monster.com, and Myspace.com, offer a plethora of employment opportunities with just a click of a mouse. As city sponsored free Wifi gains popularity in metropolitan area across the country, employment has become the easy road and unemployment is now a sought after state of mind. How can industrious hepster get their resume passed over to the coveted rejection pile? We have a couple tips.

Gainfully Ungrammatical

First and most important is grammar. The hard and fast rule of unemployment is don’t use it. Nothing will titillate a human resource manager more than a well crafted letter. Now remember, you want your grammar to be of a third grade level, think English as a second language. If you forget a couple periods, and/or misuse a semi colon, the employer might think you attended a public high school. You want the employer to think that you never made it to public high school.

Reverse Unemployment

Another important step is to understand what your employer wants and give him the opposite. Let’s say the ad you are trying to get rejected from says “we are a independent art studio seeking web developer”, be sure to tell them that all your web work is done in Microsoft’s front page. American artist are rather computer savvy and work mostly on Mac. The buzzword of Microsoft will help them move on to the rube that actually wants to work.

Gain the Distance

Location, location, and location are the three most important things in real estate and your quest for unemployment. Never look for a job that is easily accessible. Your job search should start at least 400 miles from your home (I would have said 100 miles,but I am still not used to how far LA drivers are willing to travel) A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how far you are willing to travel and then add 50 miles to be on the safe side.

Reject Resumes

Resumes are the keystone of any unemployment opportunity. The most important rule with your resume is to show large gaps in employment. A steady work history shows an employer you could be a dependable employee, not the kind of mental image you want to broadcast. You want to have at least a year gap between jobs and list only menial Mcjobs. This tells employers you lack the drive and aspiration to get your picture on the employee of the month plaque. A great tip is to give your little sister, or any grad school child around, a crayon and piece of construction paper and let her at your resume.

Uncover the Letter

The top of your cover letter will contain your contact information and you want to make sure some of this information is incorrect. You could use the name and address of a fictitious person but then where would all the credit for your hard work go? Nowhere, be sure include your real name and address but change your phone number and e-mail. Your phone number could be anything but a good tip is to use the rejection hot lines set up for woman give to drunken men at bars. Imagine the employer’s face, when he calls to inform you that you have the job and instead of you he hears rejection by a computerized voice. These numbers are not hard to look up and you probably have a couple written down on crumbled cocktail napkins somewhere in your dresser drawer.

E-mail Unemployment

Your e-mail address could also be anything but get creative and give a white house e-mail address. While this might run the risk of making you seem important, on the back end, 08 is coming up and a lot of people in Washington are about to lose their jobs. Help these people now and tomorrow you could be a UN secretary, where you will never have work a day in your life.

Return to sender

And last, but certainly not least, is your letter. We have covered grammar but incorrect grammar can only help you so much. Other steps need to be taken to assure that you do not get wrapped up in a 9 to 5. The cover letter is your time to shine and show the employer what you are really made of. So go ahead and tell them how much you drank last weekend or last night. Your e-mail could be on any topic that pertains to anything but the position you are applying for. If you absolutely have to mention anything work related, tell them about the time you told off your employer. You were in the right and that guy was an asshole anyway.

With the help of this guide, you are well on your way to unemployment. No longer shall the chains of employment be wrapped around your extremities. However, if you do find yourself with an employer on your message machine, there is help. Send me a message at comments@whitehouse.gov and I will be sure to get back too you.